I’ve finally realized something.. all these years of me wondering what is wrong with me, and why I don’t have girl friends, I have finally figured it out. It is because I am the girl that other girls love to hate.
I seriously don’t understand because I am so nice and I am such a good friend but girls see me and automatically think i’m a b*tch. I was venting to my singing teacher about my recent situation and she says, “You know, out of all the years I have known you it just seems like people do not like you.”
SO TRUE. And you know what? That really sucks. It sucks to be nice and put in so much effort to actually have a friend when the only close friends I have ever had are living 500+ miles away. It sucks to know that my whole life all I have ever wanted was at least one close girl friend that I never had to worry about them getting jealous or backstabbing me.
And realizing after 19 years, I still haven’t been able to find that one best friend for life. Just one friend who I don’t have to fill in on my life, over a coffee that I don’t even like, having the same conversation we did a year ago because we have been distant for the past year. “Hi how have you been?” That bothers me. I want us to already KNOW. I don’t want my friendships to just stay in the same superficial place for years and never get to actually know the person.
And as someone just recently told me, “I almost feel like people would almost like you more if you were mean. Because they see a cute girl, who is tiny, and nice and are threatened.” That or 50 pounds heavier.
I promise, I am not out to get any girl. I just want a friend who wants to hang out with me. It’s a mindtrip when you feel like you have to give a disclaimer upon meeting people, “I swear I’m not mean.” I don’t think I am better than anyone else, I really really don’t. I just don’t play into all the highschool games that girls play and obviously that’s my downfall.
For once in my life can I just find a girl who doesn’t have to be jealous and have their insecurities mess up our friendship? That’s probably why instead of hanging out with people my age, I make plans with my mom and my next door neighbor who is a mom of three.
I’m the girl other girls love to hate.
